Toilet Trouble

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There are certain ‘house maintenance' tasks that any self-respecting man should be able to do. Granted we all have differing skill levels and whereas some (very annoying (like my brother in law*)) people can single handidly install an entire bathroom others can barely change a light bulb (or fix a toilet seat).

I'll start by making an admission:

'I can barely change a light bulb (or fix a toilet seat).'

OK I'm feeling better already.

The other week one of my four year old son's broke the toilet seat, I don't know how he managed to do it, but somehow he got the wooden seat to buckle, which snapped one of the plastic nuts that go on the long threads - see attached image. I use the toilet (often for several hours at a time) and my 100+ KG's has never caused a problem, however, I admit it may be possible the nut had weakened over a period of time, through general use.

For a week or so a trip to the toilet became extremely dangerous so unfortunately it had to be fixed. All I needed was a new nut and I set out confidently to the DIY store. My first mistake was neglecting to take a sample nut with me. I did toy with the idea of going back home to retrieve one, but quickly convinced myself I would recognise it when I saw it.

After fruitlessly searching for a nut for 10 minutes I decided to search for a 'You can do it when you B & Q it!' operative, after a further 10 minutes I found one on the lighting aisle. Obviously I couldn't explain what I wanted with any clarity so I had to drag him over to the plumbing aisle for this expert advice:

'You can't buy the nuts on there own mate, you'll have to buy a full kit'

Ok thanks...For a second or two I felt slightly annoyed at this injustice but then I thought: Can you really put a price on bathroom safety? As it turned out you can - about £8.

I decided I would buy the kit, extract the nut and save all the other bits for a rainy day. The problem was I couldn't recognise the nut, as there was an array of kits, all of which contained different sized nuts. The plastic packaging didn't help either…

After carefully comparing the kits I selected what I thought was the correct one and took it home. You guessed it - wrong sized nuts. I knew I should have taken the damn thing with me!

I had two choices: return to the DIY store with an example nut and get the correct kit, or change the fittings on the toilet. On balance I felt it would be better to change the fittings - this way nothing would need to be stored for a rainy day.

It was a lovely day so I separated the toilet seat from the toilet, grabbed my trusty toolbox and set up shop outside. There was no way I was going to be caught out this time so I read the first paragraph of the instructions and put them down.

If anyone has ever handled toilet seat hinges you'll know what I mean when I say they are mind-boggling feats of engineering. Cleverly I tried to replicate how the seat and the other bit worked together in conjunction with the hinges, but it was much too difficult. I was faffing about too much and decided the best policy would be to get stuck in.

Over the next three hours I screwed, unscrewed, screwed, unscrewed, screwed, unscrewed and screwed - quite literally. I had those hinges on every which way you could imagine - except that is, the correct way. Michelle thought it was hilarious and the children didn't help by trying to play in the garden and constantly asking what I was doing….nothing…fixing a toilet…go away!

Worse still after attaching and removing the hinges four times my hand was getting very sore. Eventually I got the thing together and spent several minutes lifting and lowering the lid, which did help to ease the pain and anguish somewhat. I proudly took the seat upstairs giving Michelle a knowing smile as I passed her; she gave me a 'hooray' in return.

All that was left to do was tighten the nuts up and job done. I know what you're thinking, but don't worry the nuts would fit they were all out of the same kit remember.

I offered the toilet seat unit to the sanitary ware and then……………………………………for a good thirty seconds nothing. I don't know if it was a real brain seizure I'd had but I couldn't move. And then it became clear. The threaded screws on the toilet seat were about 4 inches apart and the holes in the sanitary ware were about 6 inches apart. I tried a few different things to get it to fit but none of them worked, so it was back to the drawing board.

At this point I aligned the holes in the sanitary ware with the toilet seat and made a couple of pencil marks. And the rest as they say is history.

We now have a safe and fully functioning toilet seat albeit with a few visible screw holes when the seat is in an upright position and quite a bit of scuffing when it is down.

What's wrong with me?

Regards,
Simon

*Purchased a dilapidated house and single-handily redesigned and ultra modernised it inside and out in the space of six months whilst in the process doubling his money, blah, blah, blah…..

From a man who 'CAN'. :D

Dear Simon

Thanks for enlivening the day. May I add one ?
I replaced the bowl of a broken toilet in my factory with an old one without using cement.
It didn't work of course, and how!
Regards
Charles.C

You are a real disaster

You are a real disaster

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Thanks mate.

Regards,
Simon