2 replies to this topic

[Simon]

Some of you may have seen this before, what an absolute nutter!

WARNING - SLIGHTLY ADULT CONTENT

1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz
pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub
while still wearing his full kit... boots included.

2) When asked for his nationality before an
operation, told the nurse: "Church Of England."

3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to
demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After
getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement
to the amusement of shoppers.

4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to
discuss his big-money move to the Italian club, was
quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he
reminded him of Russ Abbot.

5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the
splendid idea of augmenting team line-ups with film
of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's
genius led him to subvert the process by, instead,
mouthing 'F***ing W***ker'. The BBC had to use it
all the way through the tournament.

6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for
then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of
course, is black.

7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a
message for England's upcoming opponents,
immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off Norway."
Then ran off laughing.

8) Turned up for England training the morning after
then manager Bobby Robson had called him "daft as a brush"
with a floor brush sticking out of his sock.

9) When asked for a footballing comment while at
Lazio, burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone.
He was fined £39,000.

10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive
hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken
out a day later.

11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts
implants, sent flowers to the hospital after the
operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton'.

12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a
double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking
if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes,
and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's
impromptu performance.

13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for
Vinnie Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing
incident. Got a toilet brush in return.

14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner
with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite.

15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during
his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless
ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to
signal a free kick.

16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza
again tried to prove that refs have a sense of
humour by yellow-carding the referee after the
official had dropped his card during a Rangers v
Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles.

17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab
controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end
of his England career, assured reporters that his doner
munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to
the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before
France 98. One reporter asked:

"What do you feel like now?" Back came the
inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with
onions."

18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle
boss Jack Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear
and begged the famous angler to give him a lesson. On
arrival at the riverbank,Charlton promptly threw all
but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of
Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in the rod and
within seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over.

19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his
apprenticeship, took Kevin Keegan's Golas home to
show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle Underground.

20) When playing for England against Belgium in
Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the
ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was
play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved
hopping on one leg with his tongue lolling out.

21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with
Middlesbrough for a post-season tour was hampered by
the fact he'd left his passport at home. An
emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a
minion was despatched to bring it to the airport.

22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after
flying home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of
fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend
'Gazza'.

23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA,
pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to
demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish
Chef.

24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie
after he'd scraped out the filling and replaced it
with cat excrement.

25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing
nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.

26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his
home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to
spend the change on sweets for local kids.

27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms
Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates,
decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of
a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had
tapped him on the shoulder the gentleman turned his
head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the
cheek.

28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish
cottage which he informed them was his new place,
pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked
instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled
housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert
and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.

29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's
training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage.

30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping
team-mate Richard Gough.

31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after
betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a
cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose
for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.

32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to
find a new interest. Picked bingo.

33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel
into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and
announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."

34) Stuck his tongue out when the TV cameras panned
past him during the national anthem at Italia 90.

35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely
important tournament by playing marathon games of
tennis in the scorching midday sun.

36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue
fright wig before the 1991 FA Cup Final.

37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman
centurion, a clown, Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for
'photo opportunities'.

38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of
Hillsborough, marched into a Sheffield barbers and
demanded "a Waddle cut".

39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came
down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his
Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in
Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and
wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving
Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to
thank you for the best three days of our lives."

40) Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London
after guests were treated to the sight of a naked
Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.

41) On his first night in Rome after signing for
Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an
open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder
thought he'd committed suicide.

42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party
and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you
f***ing w***ers".

43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking
for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume.

44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious
about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to
see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the
combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.

45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani
suit "for a laugh".

46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across
its golf course in his four-wheel drive Jeep.

47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the
English language did not. Hence, his Lazio debut was
marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's Boys, We Are
Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer'.

48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed
him with a banner which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza,
You Are Fat Poofta'.

49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio,
shook hands with virtually every member of the Genoa
side.

50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told
there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What,
all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody
bacon!"

[Wallace Tait]

Aye,
He was the man when at Rangers.
Wallace.

[Simon]

He's still playing now Wallace, some non-league club I think. Still daft as a brush but with a bit less hair.

Regards,
Simon